I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
