If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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