It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
