My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
