Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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