Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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