i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The Olympian is in my bed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
