Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
