Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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