nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
