im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
