I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
