hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
