i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
