The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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