no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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