I showed him my bush... on skype.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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