I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
