i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
