Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
