If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
