fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
