never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
