my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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