Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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