this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
