I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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