I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
