piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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