Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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