also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
