Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
