Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
