woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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