i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
