she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
