Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
