Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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