Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
