If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
