yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
