you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
