Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
