I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
