He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
