At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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