The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
