I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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