My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
