just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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