When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
