dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You ruined the universe
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
