Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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