I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
