i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
