Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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